May 30, 2020, visionsofheaven.com
I saw the proverbial “writing on the wall” in mid-March. The US was just beginning to acknowledge the spread of the virus, but after hearing first-hand from clients in countries where the virus was already causing chaos, I knew I didn’t want to participate in the fear-fest that was to come.
I stocked up on TP and groceries the week before things go sparse, got all my necessities for the next several months, and – unmasked at the time – went store to store spreading joy, hope, inspiration, and love to people who were becoming increasingly uneasy. The virus was spreading silently and I could feel the fear around me building, but in a space of love and service, determined to be only a blessing, I felt no fear whatsoever in my waking life.
Instead the nasty vibe tried to get me in my sleep. I woke up after a dream in which I was vehemently spraying a room filled with huge bugs. In the dream most ran for the door, but one – a giant scorpion – stood its ground and stared at me, curling its stinger up over its back and aiming at me in an attempt to bully me into fear. In the dream I stood my ground, stared it down, and turned to pure light. As I beamed the light towards it, it ran away.
I woke up shaking and plastered in a vibration that felt like hot and cold pin pricks. I know this parasitic vibe. It used to attack me and drive me to fear, but now I know it and it doesn’t sway me. I laid there in bed and sent pure love to the nasty vibration until I elevated my awareness into a light so beautiful I couldn’t even feel the fearful, unpleasant energy.
In the morning I asked the angels exactly what that was. “That was the energy of the Covid virus trying to get you,” they replied. “You’re a big target.” Lovely. I determined to love even more strongly!
In spite of having no fear of the virus, I did feel a deep sadness arising as I watched the suffering in the world. From time to time, as the dramas unfolded, I broke down into sobbing fits of anguish that seemed to have no logical reason. One moment I was happy and fine, and all of the sudden a wracking grief would overcome me when I read a story about someone sick, alone, and scared, or a medical worker who was tirelessly facing a tidal wave of pain.
While we could all agree these things are sad, the sadness arising within me was mine – not caused by the world, but rather revealed and triggered within me. It was time to feel and heal.
I went deep into it. I heard myself crying like a newborn and determined to feel my way down to the bottom of this. I sat with the feeling, and asked quietly, “Who am I? Where am I? Who is sad within me?” Immediately my perspective shifted. I was a baby in a dark, air conditioned nursery at a hospital, the night after I was born, ejected from the warmth of the womb, ripped from my mother’s arms, and laid in what felt like a hard container.
I felt the crinkly plastic pad under a thin cotton blanket and the thin blanket on top of me. I sensed the fear of other babies in the nursery that I couldn’t see. I heard their cries in the dark. I was alone, terrified, devoid of warmth, unloved… and as deeply immersed in the core illusion of separation as one could be. I couldn’t stop crying.
I heard the wracking sobs of the baby coming out of my adult mouth but couldn’t escape from the baby’s body and mind. I had enough presence of mind to dial a friend just to hear a voice that would snap me back and re-anchor my consciousness in present day reality.
As “me-the-adult” I traveled went back in time, in my mind, to hold “me-the-baby” and assure her that God was everywhere, even if invisible, and that there was no such thing as separation from love. I held the baby in my mind, turned to light and showed her the invisible worlds that connect us all. I promised her I’d be with her, her whole life until one moment, in my present-now, when we’d integrate.
She stopped sobbing. I stopped sobbing. I remembered all the sad times in childhood when I felt aloneness, and the feeling of a presence around me that always comforted me. I realized that, with the angels, I had always been my own comforter and my own healer.
Suddenly the baby in my vision turned to light and merged with me-in-the-present. I felt a glorious release of loving energy course throughout my entire body. I felt bliss, a home-coming, a sense of euphoric joy that happens when a long forgotten and unloved part of the soul comes home. I’ve had no sadness ever since.
I think this first feeling of separation was what some call a “core wound” – a point in which we make a decision that affects our entire lives. Once felt and healed it releases tremendous power – a power that can now be used for creation of our dreams.
I have shifted deeply. I’m enjoying delicious amazing meditations. I’m craving and enjoying time in silence. I’m going into ecstatic spaces in the gazes and even the simple acts of life feel like a connection to the Divine, for in truth they are.
What is the moral of the story – the part that might be useful for you? Simple and difficult – Don’t run from your feelings. If you’re feeling afraid, sit with it and feel your fear down to the core. If that feels too intimidating, schedule an appointment with a healer or psychologist, or at least a friend who can hold space.
If you’re feeling anger, go beyond the obvious blame of others and ask, “Why am I angry with myself?” The angels remind me often that all anger at others comes from anger at self – knowing we must change.
If you’re feeling stir crazy, sit with it and find the feelings beneath it – the feelings of confusion, worthlessness, fear of never moving forward, the fact that you don’t really know what you want with your life, and the list goes on.
Instead of focusing on blaming the external person or event that triggered the feeling, dive in and search for the roots within yourself. This is where your real power can be found. This is where we find freedom.
While the angels and I constantly encourage positive thinking, there are times when the gravitational pull of other feelings will overcome you and demand acknowledgment. At these times it may feel impossible to be positive. Instead, bring your light and your love into your own darkness and then the darkness and illusions of separation will dissolve.
There is great opportunity being given us at this time, when the world’s intensity is bringing deep feelings to the surface. Take advantage of the triggers. Don’t run from yourself. Dive in with courage, and as the saying goes, be the change you want to see in the world. Love it all, starting with yourself first.
Here are some pointers to help you feel and heal when you just can’t “be positive” and you realize that a feeling is coming up for transformation.
1. Bless – don’t blame – the triggers
When an old painful feeling arises, you will find yourself wanting to blame who or what triggered it. “I wouldn’t be this way if xyz hadn’t happened. I wouldn’t be angry if that jerk hadn’t cut me off in traffic. I wouldn’t be scared if I had money in the bank.” Those statements might be true, but the external events and people just trigger a vibration within us. As hard as it may be, bless them for revealing the parts of your soul that need healing.
No one can make us feel anything we do not already have within us. The external world can only push the buttons that run programs within us. If we had no program of anger inside no one would make us feel it. If we had no fear inside, no circumstance would make us fearful.
If we could truly live and abide in a sense of connection to the Divine at all times, we would truly be in the world, but not of it. However, we’re not there yet at all times, so bless, don’t blame, the triggers.
2. Recognize Resistance & Dive in Courageously
As soon as you start feeling something deeply unpleasant or uncomfortable within you, you will likely notice massive amounts of resistance coming up – things that attempt to keep you from feeling… and healing.
You might have a sudden pain arise to distract. It might suddenly seem extremely important to clean the junk drawer in the kitchen that has been the same way for five years. You might feel an urgency to check emails, scan social media, do errands, turn on the TV, talk to anyone, get angry… anything to distract yourself from feeling! You might find yourself unconsciously reaching for a glass of wine, something sugary, salty, crunchy… You might suddenly feel like running, exercising, having sex, cooking, Online shopping… addicting in any way possible…
While these things are wonderful when done for joy, as we reach for them as unconscious distractions, that is a sure sign of running from your feelings.
This is the juncture in the road. This is where you do what you’ve always done and get what you’ve always got, or you make a choice to stop, feel, and dive courageously inward.
3. Be with, and love, the feeling / Get Help if needed
If you are afraid to feel so deeply, seek out help. The feelings won’t kill you but if they are too intimidating don’t go it alone. You can stand in the energy of those who transmit love like Braco or me in my gazes, or countless others who elevate and love the soul with a divine love that transforms the lost and lonely parts. You can seek out therapists, healers, friends, a compassionate listener or a help line.
If you’re doing this by yourself, when you’re ready, sit with the feeling. Feel it deeply. Remind yourself it may hurt but it won’t kill you and not feeling will always feel worse.
Ask, “Who or what inside me feels this way?” Trust the answer that arises.
Imagine you can see this part of yourself as a separate person. Talk to them lovingly, Tell them you are in the future, empowered, strong and wise. Imagine you are being the parent, teacher, healer, or partner, they never had. You are now your own healer. After a while of loving and talking sweetly to this sad, angry, or upset part of self you will feel relief. If not seek out further help.
You, every part of you, deserves your own love.
This isn’t easy work. When we can switch our thoughts to love and positivity by all means, we should. But when we honestly cannot, the time has come to free a trapped and wounded parts of self.
As the angels say, it is a perfect time to reveal, feel, heal, see and be free!
We are at a fork in the road where we can free ourselves from the pain of the past and unleash huge amounts of energy with which we create a more glorious future – not only for ourselves but for the entire human race.
Love you all!